Mothers Who Were Hurtful by Virtue of Neglect

Today I want to talk about mothers who are hurtful by virtue of neglect. We are going to examine three characteristics this type of mother exhibits. While these traits are not the kind that would be considered overtly abusive, when they happen to a child over and over again, the build up can develop into feelings of being unloveable, unnoticed and unworthy. 

When that child grows up, they become adults who have symptoms of anxiety, low self esteem and depression. All of these can then be traced back to being neglected as a child. 

While we can’t go back and fix the past, once you have the knowledge that your symptoms have little to do with you, it makes for change.

So here are the three most common forms of childhood neglect that stem from hurtful mothers:

1. The mother who puts her own needs first

There are mothers who will take their daughters shopping and buy all kinds of things for themselves but nothing, or close to nothing, for their child. These are the same mothers who will feel it’s OK to have afternoon cocktails with friends instead of making dinner. 

These are the moms who don’t think about activities for their kids on the weekends or holidays. Instead, they will often immerse themselves in community events like bake sales or fairs. This is so they look good wearing those expensive clothes they bought at the expense of their child. 

These mothers think they are good but really, they are self absorbed. They do little to engage with their own kids and their true goal is to outshine them. These mothers are often narcissists. 

2. Mothers Who Are Dismissive

Remember when you were excited to go on the class trip? Do you also remember when your mother forgot to sign your permission slip?

Not prioritizing what’s important to you like signing a permission slip, making you lunch, or helping you dress appropriately for school, is also neglectful. A neglectful mother will shrug thing like this off as if it didn’t matter. Yet it was important to us at the time. We needed our mothers to make sure we were set up for success in life. 

Mothers who are dismissive are constantly busy. This can be very hurtful especially to a young child. What do kids want most from their mothers as they develop? The answer is simple. They want attention. 

This often comes in the form of “mommy, mommy look what I made for you.”

With the reply of, “Not now, mommy is busy” as she goes back to scrolling through her phone. 

Dismissive mothers are also uninterested in a child’s activities as they grow up. This is the mother who will not go to their child’s plays, recitals or sporting events. She does not share in her child’s excitement about their passions. In fact, she will often put down or feel threatened by her child’s personal interests.

Of course any mother might be dismissive once, twice or even three times. but when it’s done repeatedly over a period of time, it leads to a child growing up having very low self esteem and depression. Lack of attention creates a person who feels like they don’t matter and/or has little to offer. 

Unfortunately, people who feel like they are unloveable will often find themselves in relationships that mimic what they experienced as kids. In other words, they will unconsciously seek out a partner who is also dismissive and disinterested in them. 

This adult child will try to resolve their past hurtful relationship with someone who ends up being incapable of fulfilling their needs. They seek out what is comfortable and what they know: a partner who is disinterested in them or meeting their needs. And deep down, they feel they deserve that treatment. See how these early interactions between mother and child add up?

(Often, the neglectful mother will breeds children who eventually feel angry and give up. They develop the belief that they don’t matter. After all, if their mothers didn’t care, why should they?)

3. The Mother Who Forgets and Shames You

Did your mother ever forget to pick you up? I hear about this happening often. Clients tell me about the fear and embarrassment of standing outside school long after their classmates have left. This is not only scary to a little one but it can also be a traumatizing event that our bodies will remember years after the occurrence.

A neglectful mother will sometimes lose their kids. One of the first terrifying experiences is when our mothers don’t keep track of where we are. It’s natural for little ones to wander away at the grocery store or shopping mall. There is that terrifying moment where the child realizes that their mother is not around. This will bring on the tears very quickly and a feeling of abandonment wells up inside. 

Unfortunately, mothers will often yell or hit their child upon finding them. It’s not their fault. That’s what little kids do. Everything is new and they have a natural inclination to explore. While I understand it’s very dangerous and scary to have a child wander away there are better ways to teach them than to yell or hit. 

What happens when a child runs out into the street or tries to turn on the stove to look at the flame. They get grabbed away or smacked hard for doing what only comes natural to a child. While it is important to teach at these tense moments, yelling or hitting a child will not drive the lesson home. All that will be remembered is the discomfort and the resulting shame.

Shaming a child only brings on feelings of worthlessness; feelings of not being okay. 

While behavior correction is necessary for a child, it needs to be immediately followed up with repair. Repair is there to help the child understand that the behavior was bad, but they themselves are not bad. They need to be reminded that even though they did something wrong, they are good and lovable.

Neglectful mother never do this.

So much of our current feelings of depression, anxiety and low self esteem can be traced back to our early days. While there is absolutely nothing we can do to go back and chance things, we can understand the connection between past and present. We can do work on learning about how trauma is stored in the body and how we can regulate our nervous system so that we are not constantly triggered. Finally we can work on loving ourselves and the inner child that lives within us. 

Summary

If you relate to any of this, please take steps to get help. You do not have to live with these feelings. Find a therapist in your area to help you understand your trauma and utilize tools to help you heal. 

If you live in California or Nevada, you can always contact me. I’d love to help you. I’ve seen it all, so give me a call. I’m Jackie, the mama trauma therapist.