One of the biggest killers of any relationship is lack of trust. Trust breaks when we lie. We don’t like politicians who lie or partners who have secrets. The most hurtful, however, are the mothers that lie. When a mother lies once, it’s bad. But when she lies over and over again, trust is broken and we’re caught in that dilemma of doubt and mistrust.

Hi everyone. I’m Jackie, The Mama Trauma Therapist. This article is for educational purposes only. The opinions expressed here in are mine and mine alone. They do not reflect any therapist, professional organizations or licensing boards.

Today we’re going to dive into the lies our mothers told us. When we find out the truth, it’s hurtful. This is the reason why many of us, lose trust in our mothers. 

Lie #1 - Of course Santa Claus is real

Many people remember being told that, without a doubt, Santa Claus is 100% real. 

Our mothers would perpetuate this lie by doing things, like,  baking cookies for him. She’d leave them out with milk, and then take a bite from a cookie while we’re sleeping. Evidence that “proves” Santa is real and he was here.

This notion of Santa serves as ammunition for a hurtful mother all year long. 

“Be good or Santa won’t come next year.” 

“Do what I say, Santa is watching.”

And the industry even provides her with a song to drive message home: 

“You better watch out, You better not cry, you better not pout, I’m telling you why, 

Santa Clause is coming to town and your mother is a big fat liar.”

Oh yes, Santa has powers to know whether we’ve been naughty or nice. He see all. Ooooo.

And when children finally get too old for Santa, mothers replace Santa with god.

Same deal, be good, do what I say, god is watching.

Now I’m not discounting organized religion here. We each have the right to choose or dismiss whatever we decide. But often, ideas are so embedded that we don’t even question what we were told.

Children are not stupid. In fact they are pretty damn smart. They think, are curious, and question. “Why, why, why?”

“You just have to believe” is not an answer. It’s a manipulative lie.

Lie #2 - Accusing you of false memory

Oh boy, this is a big one. So often my adult clients want to talk about their childhood memories with their mother. To them, there’s no denying that physical abuse, for example, took place. My clients are not wanting to be provocative, or cause a fight. The intent, is to understand their mothers better. All they’re doing is  seeking is closure. They want to know what would possess a grown woman to physically hurt her child. Did she really think that hitting, punching, scratching or saucing would teach a lesson? Or, could it be that she herself was physically abused by her parents, and this is what she knew to do.  

The real need that we have is to be close with the one who birthed us. By speaking the truth in any situation, we feel more connection. Wouldn’t it be great, in that moment, to hear something like, “You’re right. I did that and it was wrong.” That’s what she SHOULD say.

This would then be followed by, “I was confused and overwhelmed as a mother.”

or 

“I thought hitting you would make you a better child”

or

“I felt angry and out of control.” 

Any of those would have been great, and even better, if it were then, followed with an apology.

Lie #3 - Look what You made me do:

Hurtful mothers will hit and say: YOU made me do that

Hurtful mothers will yell and say: YOU made me yell!

They will break things, throw things and destroy things we made for her. And possibly the worst, harm themselves and say YOU made me do this.

“You’re the one driving me crazy.”

“You’re the reason I’m unhappy.”

“You’re the reason I drink.”

“You’re the reason I’m on medication.”

and 

”You’re going to send me to an early grave.”

Do any sound of these sound familiar? Please know, these were lies. The truth is, SHE is responsible for all of it. You didn’t do anything. It’s not your fault. Your mothers’ a liar. 

In conclusion

It is never OK for a mother to lie to her child. Mothers are the one person, in life, that we look up to and are programmed to trust. She’s everything to us,. So when we realize she lied to us, our worlds become shattered. It is then hard to believe anyone later in life .

As a result, we often find ourselves in relationships that repeat the process. We attach ourselves to narcissists who end up gaslighting us into believing their lies. The real way out of mistrust is to:

FIRST: understand what happened to you as a child: You were intentionally lied to.

NEXT: Realize it wasn’t your fault. It was her. It was your hurtful mother.

FINALLY: We have to get in touch with our inner wisdom. We need to learn to trust ourselves and our own intuition.

That’s where forming a trusting relationship with a good therapist is essential. Find someone that understands early childhood trauma. This therapist will provide psycho education and teach you how to  regulate your nervous system, reframe distorted thinking and help you to understand how your past doesn’t have to dictate your present. You can live your life the way you choose. You have capacity to stay present and enjoy your moments, whatever they are. 

Go to psychologytoday.com or alma.com and type in your zip code. There might be many counselors to choose from. Please know it’s OK for you to interview several therapists and schedule an appointment with the one you think “gets” you in an initial interview. 

If you reside in California or Nevada, I’d love to help. Reach out by sending me an email or leaving a phone message.

Remember I’ve seen it all, so give me a call, I’m Jackie the Mama Trauma Therapist