Many of my clients are feeling stressed out due to the upcoming holidays. This stress seems to be universal at this time of the year. There is pressure to spend money that we often don’t have, attend holiday events we don’t want to and make sure our house is presentable for friends and relatives. It can be overwhelming. Especially for those of us who have trauma backgrounds and hurtful mothers.
So how do we equate holiday blues with past trauma and hurtful moms?
Let’s start with Feelings of Loss
It’s normal and natural to feel sad about loved ones who are no longer with us.
But we may also feel sad about something others have that we don’t. We may have missed out on the “perfect family holiday”; especially when it’s thrown in our face by the media and environments that push the image of the “ideal holiday experience”.
We grieve the mother we never had but wished we had. When we had a hurtful, toxic or abusive mother, our holiday memories are not of the Hallmark variety. She did not bake us cookies, attend our holiday plays, or take us ice skating in the park. She was more likely drinking too much egg nog or busy with a current boyfriend. Whatever the case, she clearly wasn’t with us or want to have anything much to do with us.
Some of our mothers were anxious and overwhelmed. That drove them to pile on more things for us to do; things that they could have been doing themselves. These mothers were often mean. We’d bear the brunt of their out of control emotions that could even turn to rage. We witnessed big fights that often turned extremely loud, or even physical. There are a surprising amount of 911 calls durning the holidays.
For us who live in a state of trauma, we remember December as the month that we were screamed at, hit or verbally abused even more. When we think back on holidays past, it was not the most wonderful time of the year. And that is the real loss and development of our sadness and grief.
Next, let’s look at how these past memories are affecting our ability to enjoy the holidays right now.
Many victims of hurtful mothers do not want to have company especially during holiday time. If you grew up with a hurtful mother, your home never really feels like home. This is a throw back feeling to childhood when the home was really and truly a place where you didn’t feel safe. You might have had a mother who was overly critical, didn’t listen or treated you like a servant.
Today, you may feel fear, reluctance or resistant to doing anything reminiscent of a holiday in your own home. Most likely, you have an irrational belief that your home is not good enough. And that is basically the same feeling you have about yourself - you’re not good enough either.
Please understand, self defeating beliefs feel real even when they are obviously irrational.
Next is my all time favorite - The pressure to give mom a gift.
Most mothers will cherish anything her child gives to her. They love homemade gifts from their little ones. They are also happy with anything from their adult child as well. It’s always the thought that counts.
But mothers who are narcissists demand perfection. They feel entitled to expensive presents that they really don’t need. They feel the more you spend, the better the gift. Even homemade gifts are critiqued and reviewed. Oftentimes, they will be thrown out in a rage if the present is not deemed worthy.
Adult children of narcissists are often stuck in the survival response known as ‘please and appease’. They work hard to please a mother who can’t be pleased. If you have a mother who fits that bill, every Christmas is anxiety producing because we strive so hard to ‘nail it’. But we never do.
We then question ourselves and overthink our gift. We console ourselves with the hope that we’ll do better next year but we won’t. It’s a viscous cycle that only YOU can break.
This also applies to the event itself
We’ll try to cook food they like but they’ll tell us we left out an essential ingredient.
We’ll host a beautiful holiday party but your mother will be upset because you didn’t invite someone.
We’ll do our best to recreate old family traditions, but she’ll find fault with our memory.
And most triggering of all, she’ll announce she’s planning to stay with us for the holidays and we just know this won’t end well.
Yet, we’ll smile, agree to let her stay, even though we know full well how it will turn out.
When it comes to our mom we just can’t seem to say no. Please know this isn’t your fault. This is the way you were programmed. This is how you survived.
Here’s a fun one - Holidays and Religion
The mother who wants you to attend a religious event or service. Never mind if a priest molested you, she’ll say that’s in the past. And if you are part of the LGBTQIA+ community, she’ll tell you to put aside your feelings, god will forgive you.
If you have no religious beliefs, She’ll tell you to just ‘put in an appearance’, maybe you’ll even change your mind.
While the mother that we would have liked to have had would be interested to learn more about our belief system, a hurtful mother will instill feelings of guilt. She’ll guilt you for having your own way of thinking and shame you for being who you are.
Your hurtful mother will also do her best to manipulate you with phrases like
“It would make me so happy to have you in temple with me today”
“Please come with me so I can show you off”
“What will people think if my own son or daughter does not attend services”
Wars have been fought in the name of organized religion and it’s probably no different in your own toxic family. Please, do not feel obligated to disavow who you are simply because that’s what your mother wants you to do.
Okay, so what do we do about all this. Here are just a few ideas:
1) Leave your city. Take a trip. Find a deal and fly somewhere you’ve always wanted to go. Or simply get in your car and drive somewhere local that you’ve never been. Or better yet, just stay at home and just tell your mother you left. She may come knocking door but remember you don’t have to answer the door.
2) Set boundaries. If you do feel like you absolutely have to be with your toxic mother and/or toxic family, set some deal breakers. If your mother or anyone in the family verbally hits below the belt or behaves unkindly, you can leave. If your mother is aware you’re vegan and there’s nothing but meat being served, you do not have to eat. If anybody is rude to your partner or friend, you do not have to tolerate the behavior. Leave, Leave, Leave!!! You’ll feel great taking action, I promise.
3) Make it a short stay. Remember the longer you stay, the more at risk you will be to have things go awry. Decide how long you want to stay (not how long your mother wants you to stay) and then leave. Even if things are going OK, don’t be fooled. Toxic hurtful people, can’t behave for too long. Don’t give them a chance. Short visits are always best.
Summary
I hope this video is helpful. Remember if you are having feelings of grief, anxiety or depression, help is only a phone call away. The new 988 phone number is always available.
If you are an adult who would like to understand how your past, affects your present, reach out to a trained counselor who is trauma informed. If you live in California or Nevada, please reach out to me. Healing from CPTSD is my passion and I’d love to help.
I’ve seen it all, so give me a call. I’m Jackie, the Mama Trauma Therapist.
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