One of the biggest killers of any relationship is lack of trust. Trust breaks when we lie. We don’t like politicians who lie or partners who have secrets. The most hurtful, however, are the mothers that lie. When a mother lies once, it’s bad. But when she lies over and over again, trust is broken and we’re caught in that dilemma of doubt and mistrust.

Hi everyone. I’m Jackie, The Mama Trauma Therapist. This article is for educational purposes only. The opinions expressed here in are mine and mine alone. They do not reflect any therapist, professional organizations or licensing boards.

Today we’re going to dive into the lies our mothers told us. When we find out the truth, it’s hurtful. This is the reason why many of us, lose trust in our mothers. 

Lie #1 - Of course Santa Claus is real

Many people remember being told that, without a doubt, Santa Claus is 100% real. 

Our mothers would perpetuate this lie by doing things, like,  baking cookies for him. She’d leave them out with milk, and then take a bite from a cookie while we’re sleeping. Evidence that “proves” Santa is real and he was here.

This notion of Santa serves as ammunition for a hurtful mother all year long. 

“Be good or Santa won’t come next year.” 

“Do what I say, Santa is watching.”

And the industry even provides her with a song to drive message home: 

“You better watch out, You better not cry, you better not pout, I’m telling you why, 

Santa Clause is coming to town and your mother is a big fat liar.”

Oh yes, Santa has powers to know whether we’ve been naughty or nice. He see all. Ooooo.

And when children finally get too old for Santa, mothers replace Santa with god.

Same deal, be good, do what I say, god is watching.

Now I’m not discounting organized religion here. We each have the right to choose or dismiss whatever we decide. But often, ideas are so embedded that we don’t even question what we were told.

Children are not stupid. In fact they are pretty damn smart. They think, are curious, and question. “Why, why, why?”

“You just have to believe” is not an answer. It’s a manipulative lie.

Lie #2 - Accusing you of false memory

Oh boy, this is a big one. So often my adult clients want to talk about their childhood memories with their mother. To them, there’s no denying that physical abuse, for example, took place. My clients are not wanting to be provocative, or cause a fight. The intent, is to understand their mothers better. All they’re doing is  seeking is closure. They want to know what would possess a grown woman to physically hurt her child. Did she really think that hitting, punching, scratching or saucing would teach a lesson? Or, could it be that she herself was physically abused by her parents, and this is what she knew to do.  

The real need that we have is to be close with the one who birthed us. By speaking the truth in any situation, we feel more connection. Wouldn’t it be great, in that moment, to hear something like, “You’re right. I did that and it was wrong.” That’s what she SHOULD say.

This would then be followed by, “I was confused and overwhelmed as a mother.”

or 

“I thought hitting you would make you a better child”

or

“I felt angry and out of control.” 

Any of those would have been great, and even better, if it were then, followed with an apology.

Lie #3 - Look what You made me do:

Hurtful mothers will hit and say: YOU made me do that

Hurtful mothers will yell and say: YOU made me yell!

They will break things, throw things and destroy things we made for her. And possibly the worst, harm themselves and say YOU made me do this.

“You’re the one driving me crazy.”

“You’re the reason I’m unhappy.”

“You’re the reason I drink.”

“You’re the reason I’m on medication.”

and 

”You’re going to send me to an early grave.”

Do any sound of these sound familiar? Please know, these were lies. The truth is, SHE is responsible for all of it. You didn’t do anything. It’s not your fault. Your mothers’ a liar. 

In conclusion

It is never OK for a mother to lie to her child. Mothers are the one person, in life, that we look up to and are programmed to trust. She’s everything to us,. So when we realize she lied to us, our worlds become shattered. It is then hard to believe anyone later in life .

As a result, we often find ourselves in relationships that repeat the process. We attach ourselves to narcissists who end up gaslighting us into believing their lies. The real way out of mistrust is to:

FIRST: understand what happened to you as a child: You were intentionally lied to.

NEXT: Realize it wasn’t your fault. It was her. It was your hurtful mother.

FINALLY: We have to get in touch with our inner wisdom. We need to learn to trust ourselves and our own intuition.

That’s where forming a trusting relationship with a good therapist is essential. Find someone that understands early childhood trauma. This therapist will provide psycho education and teach you how to  regulate your nervous system, reframe distorted thinking and help you to understand how your past doesn’t have to dictate your present. You can live your life the way you choose. You have capacity to stay present and enjoy your moments, whatever they are. 

Go to psychologytoday.com or alma.com and type in your zip code. There might be many counselors to choose from. Please know it’s OK for you to interview several therapists and schedule an appointment with the one you think “gets” you in an initial interview. 

If you reside in California or Nevada, I’d love to help. Reach out by sending me an email or leaving a phone message.

Remember I’ve seen it all, so give me a call, I’m Jackie the Mama Trauma Therapist

Has Your Mama Trauma Effected Your Holiday Spirit?

Many of my clients are feeling stressed out due to the upcoming holidays. This stress seems to be universal at this time of the year. There is pressure to spend money that we often don’t have, attend holiday events we don’t want to and make sure our house is presentable for friends and relatives. It can be overwhelming. Especially for those of us who have trauma backgrounds and hurtful mothers.

So how do we equate holiday blues with past trauma and hurtful moms?

Let’s start with Feelings of Loss

It’s normal and natural to feel sad about loved ones who are no longer with us. 

But we may also feel sad about something others have that we don’t. We may have missed out on the “perfect family holiday”; especially when it’s thrown in our face by the media and environments that push the image of the “ideal holiday experience”. 

We grieve the mother we never had but wished we had. When we had a hurtful, toxic or abusive mother, our holiday memories are not of the Hallmark variety. She did not bake us cookies, attend our holiday plays, or take us ice skating in the park. She was more likely drinking too much egg nog or busy with a current boyfriend. Whatever the case, she clearly wasn’t with us or want to have anything much to do with us. 

Some of our mothers were anxious and overwhelmed. That drove them to pile on more things for us to do; things that they could have been doing themselves. These mothers were often mean. We’d bear the brunt of their out of control emotions that could even turn to rage. We witnessed big fights that often turned extremely loud, or even physical. There are a surprising amount of 911 calls durning the holidays. 

For us who live in a state of trauma, we remember December as the month that we were screamed at, hit or verbally abused even more. When we think back on holidays past, it was not the most wonderful time of the year. And that is the real loss and development of our sadness and grief. 

Next, let’s look at how these past memories are affecting our ability to enjoy the holidays right now.

Many victims of hurtful mothers do not want to have company especially during holiday time. If you grew up with a hurtful mother, your home never really feels like home. This is a throw back feeling to childhood when the home was really and truly a place where you didn’t feel safe. You might have had a mother who was overly critical, didn’t listen or treated you like a servant. 

Today, you may feel fear, reluctance or resistant to doing anything reminiscent of a holiday in your own home. Most likely, you have an irrational belief that your home is not good enough. And that is basically the same feeling you have about yourself - you’re not good enough either. 

Please understand, self defeating beliefs feel real even when they are obviously irrational.

Next is my all time favorite - The pressure to give mom a gift.

Most mothers will cherish anything her child gives to her. They love homemade gifts from their little ones. They are also happy with anything from their adult child as well. It’s always the thought that counts. 

But mothers who are narcissists demand perfection. They feel entitled to expensive presents that they really don’t need. They feel the more you spend, the better the gift. Even homemade gifts are critiqued and reviewed. Oftentimes, they will be thrown out in a rage if the present is not deemed worthy.

Adult children of narcissists are often stuck in the survival response known as ‘please and appease’. They work hard to please a mother who can’t be pleased. If you have a mother who fits that bill, every Christmas is anxiety producing because we strive so hard to ‘nail it’. But we never do.

We then question ourselves and overthink our gift. We console ourselves with the hope that we’ll do better next year but we won’t. It’s a viscous cycle that only YOU can break. 

This also applies to the event itself

We’ll try to cook food they like but they’ll tell us we left out an essential ingredient. 

We’ll host a beautiful holiday party but your mother will be upset because you didn’t invite someone.

We’ll do our best to recreate old family traditions, but she’ll find fault with our memory.

And most triggering of all, she’ll announce she’s planning to stay with us for the holidays and we just know this won’t end well. 

Yet, we’ll smile, agree to let her stay, even though we know full well how it will turn out. 

When it comes to our mom we just can’t seem to say no. Please know this isn’t your fault. This is the way you were programmed. This is how you survived.

Here’s a fun one - Holidays and Religion

The mother who wants you to attend a religious event or service. Never mind if a priest molested you, she’ll say that’s in the past. And if you are part of the LGBTQIA+ community, she’ll tell you to put aside your feelings, god will forgive you. 

If you have no religious beliefs, She’ll tell you to just ‘put in an appearance’, maybe you’ll even change your mind.

While the mother that we would have liked to have had would be interested to learn more about our belief system, a hurtful mother will instill feelings of guilt. She’ll guilt you for having your own way of thinking and shame you for being who you are. 

Your hurtful mother will also do her best to manipulate you with phrases like

“It would make me so happy to have you in temple with me today”

“Please come with me so I can show you off”

“What will people think if my own son or daughter does not attend services”

Wars have been fought in the name of organized religion and it’s probably no different in your own toxic family. Please, do not feel obligated to disavow who you are simply because that’s what your mother wants you to do.

Okay, so what do we do about all this. Here are just a few ideas:

1) Leave your city. Take a trip. Find a deal and fly somewhere you’ve always wanted to go. Or simply get in your car and drive somewhere local that you’ve never been. Or better yet, just stay at home and just tell your mother you left. She may come knocking door but remember you don’t have to answer the door.

2) Set boundaries. If you do feel like you absolutely have to be with your toxic mother and/or toxic family, set some deal breakers. If your mother or anyone in the family verbally hits below the belt or behaves unkindly, you can leave. If your mother is aware you’re vegan and there’s nothing but meat being served, you do not have to eat. If anybody is rude to your partner or friend, you do not have to tolerate the behavior. Leave, Leave, Leave!!! You’ll feel great taking action, I promise. 

3) Make it a short stay. Remember the longer you stay, the more at risk you will be to have things go awry. Decide how long you want to stay (not how long your mother wants you to stay) and then leave. Even if things are going OK, don’t be fooled. Toxic hurtful people, can’t behave for too long. Don’t give them a chance. Short visits are always best. 

Summary

I hope this video is helpful. Remember if you are having feelings of grief, anxiety or depression, help is only a phone call away. The new 988 phone number is always available. 

If you are an adult who would like to understand how your past, affects your present, reach out to a trained counselor who is trauma informed. If you live in California or Nevada, please reach out to me. Healing from CPTSD is my passion and I’d love to help. 

I’ve seen it all, so give me a call. I’m Jackie, the Mama Trauma Therapist.

Mothers Who Were Hurtful by Virtue of Neglect

Today I want to talk about mothers who are hurtful by virtue of neglect. We are going to examine three characteristics this type of mother exhibits. While these traits are not the kind that would be considered overtly abusive, when they happen to a child over and over again, the build up can develop into feelings of being unloveable, unnoticed and unworthy. 

When that child grows up, they become adults who have symptoms of anxiety, low self esteem and depression. All of these can then be traced back to being neglected as a child. 

While we can’t go back and fix the past, once you have the knowledge that your symptoms have little to do with you, it makes for change.

So here are the three most common forms of childhood neglect that stem from hurtful mothers:

1. The mother who puts her own needs first

There are mothers who will take their daughters shopping and buy all kinds of things for themselves but nothing, or close to nothing, for their child. These are the same mothers who will feel it’s OK to have afternoon cocktails with friends instead of making dinner. 

These are the moms who don’t think about activities for their kids on the weekends or holidays. Instead, they will often immerse themselves in community events like bake sales or fairs. This is so they look good wearing those expensive clothes they bought at the expense of their child. 

These mothers think they are good but really, they are self absorbed. They do little to engage with their own kids and their true goal is to outshine them. These mothers are often narcissists. 

2. Mothers Who Are Dismissive

Remember when you were excited to go on the class trip? Do you also remember when your mother forgot to sign your permission slip?

Not prioritizing what’s important to you like signing a permission slip, making you lunch, or helping you dress appropriately for school, is also neglectful. A neglectful mother will shrug thing like this off as if it didn’t matter. Yet it was important to us at the time. We needed our mothers to make sure we were set up for success in life. 

Mothers who are dismissive are constantly busy. This can be very hurtful especially to a young child. What do kids want most from their mothers as they develop? The answer is simple. They want attention. 

This often comes in the form of “mommy, mommy look what I made for you.”

With the reply of, “Not now, mommy is busy” as she goes back to scrolling through her phone. 

Dismissive mothers are also uninterested in a child’s activities as they grow up. This is the mother who will not go to their child’s plays, recitals or sporting events. She does not share in her child’s excitement about their passions. In fact, she will often put down or feel threatened by her child’s personal interests.

Of course any mother might be dismissive once, twice or even three times. but when it’s done repeatedly over a period of time, it leads to a child growing up having very low self esteem and depression. Lack of attention creates a person who feels like they don’t matter and/or has little to offer. 

Unfortunately, people who feel like they are unloveable will often find themselves in relationships that mimic what they experienced as kids. In other words, they will unconsciously seek out a partner who is also dismissive and disinterested in them. 

This adult child will try to resolve their past hurtful relationship with someone who ends up being incapable of fulfilling their needs. They seek out what is comfortable and what they know: a partner who is disinterested in them or meeting their needs. And deep down, they feel they deserve that treatment. See how these early interactions between mother and child add up?

(Often, the neglectful mother will breeds children who eventually feel angry and give up. They develop the belief that they don’t matter. After all, if their mothers didn’t care, why should they?)

3. The Mother Who Forgets and Shames You

Did your mother ever forget to pick you up? I hear about this happening often. Clients tell me about the fear and embarrassment of standing outside school long after their classmates have left. This is not only scary to a little one but it can also be a traumatizing event that our bodies will remember years after the occurrence.

A neglectful mother will sometimes lose their kids. One of the first terrifying experiences is when our mothers don’t keep track of where we are. It’s natural for little ones to wander away at the grocery store or shopping mall. There is that terrifying moment where the child realizes that their mother is not around. This will bring on the tears very quickly and a feeling of abandonment wells up inside. 

Unfortunately, mothers will often yell or hit their child upon finding them. It’s not their fault. That’s what little kids do. Everything is new and they have a natural inclination to explore. While I understand it’s very dangerous and scary to have a child wander away there are better ways to teach them than to yell or hit. 

What happens when a child runs out into the street or tries to turn on the stove to look at the flame. They get grabbed away or smacked hard for doing what only comes natural to a child. While it is important to teach at these tense moments, yelling or hitting a child will not drive the lesson home. All that will be remembered is the discomfort and the resulting shame.

Shaming a child only brings on feelings of worthlessness; feelings of not being okay. 

While behavior correction is necessary for a child, it needs to be immediately followed up with repair. Repair is there to help the child understand that the behavior was bad, but they themselves are not bad. They need to be reminded that even though they did something wrong, they are good and lovable.

Neglectful mother never do this.

So much of our current feelings of depression, anxiety and low self esteem can be traced back to our early days. While there is absolutely nothing we can do to go back and chance things, we can understand the connection between past and present. We can do work on learning about how trauma is stored in the body and how we can regulate our nervous system so that we are not constantly triggered. Finally we can work on loving ourselves and the inner child that lives within us. 

Summary

If you relate to any of this, please take steps to get help. You do not have to live with these feelings. Find a therapist in your area to help you understand your trauma and utilize tools to help you heal. 

If you live in California or Nevada, you can always contact me. I’d love to help you. I’ve seen it all, so give me a call. I’m Jackie, the mama trauma therapist.